i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
