Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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