Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
