Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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