He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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