I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
