i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
