it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
try to milk me bitch
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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