so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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