I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
