my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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