No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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