If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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