Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
