i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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