I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
