I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
