Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He did a backflip because drugs
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
