I can text with my tongue
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
