At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
