there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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