saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
