i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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