the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
