Just fell off a train. Bad.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
