Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
