Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I have already put on my inside pants.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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