I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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