Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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