Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Found the puke drawer
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
