I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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