You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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