it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
