I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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