and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
