Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
