Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
