I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
