Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
