You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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