If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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