I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
