i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
handjob tips. give me some.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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