he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
