She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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