dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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