Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I think people are normalizing furries
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
