kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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