I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
