You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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