haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
